So today I am pretty sure I had my first actual panic attack. To be honest I have been building up to it over the last few stressful months when my daughter has had some unusual symptoms which may or may not be Lyme Disease – no one really knows. Deep down I am not sure it is, but something isnt right and she did have a round circular rash which depending on which Dr you speak to does or doesnt look like the distinctive Bullsye Lyme Disease rash.
Anyway very long story short (perhaps for another day?) but I have somehow ended up having to give her the heaviest dose of antibiotics ever – aka my worst nightmare, I dont even like giving Calpol., well actually even chocolate cake for that matter! I am a complete health obsessive. But this is a three week, maximum dose course and we are now heading in to the third week. This to me is torture. Utter torment – I feel like she is ODing on this stuff and every dose is starting to feel like poison and I dont know if she even bloody well needs it.
Today I had to leave her to go to the chiropractor. I was so worried about the medicine that when I was away my heart started to race, to pound- I was terrified – was this intuition or fear? Had something happened? I could barely breath. I just wanted to collapse to the ground and sob great big unweildy tears and have a clear sign from the universe, or someone, that i was making the right decision.
But no – i had to somehow get my spine aligned in the midst of this anguish. To make matters worse the chirpractor is a moody prick. Could I please relax for the adjustments, he huffed as I tensed up every time he tried to touch me? No I can not bloody relax when you are hoisting me horizontally off the bench, with my feet strapped together and turned upside down and inside out (or so it feels) for the nasty neck stretch. All of this while freaking out about my daughter’s liver and kidneys on these darn meds, alongside antibiotic resistance.
I cant bear it. I dont know how i will get through the next week? Am i doing the right thing? I just dont know…
I feel like some things are getting better but that the dose is just too high. I feel physically sick. The only plus side is that I can stress eat chocolate and not put on a pound of weight. My insides are twisting too much to let the calories settle! But right now I would settle for some love handles and a daughter who is happy, healthy and not on medication… Give me strength to get through this week without turning into a complete nervous wreck…